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Post by AuntAggie on Sept 19, 2006 20:59:56 GMT 1
This is a simple challenge entitled... Stop the Soap, I Want to get OutAll you have to do is write a short, humorous piece about why your family/family life reminds you of a soap opera script. I've given Al some money for some prizes to go to the rescues of the winners choice. I'll look in sometime during the next fortnight and pick winners from the ones that amuse me most, okay?
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Post by AliBullie on Sept 19, 2006 21:48:30 GMT 1
Winner of a Soap Award for a Rescue.
Oh this is soo me
My soap is called Family affairs
Staring Gullible Girl, Married bit of Rough Biker type guy, Biker type guys best mate also Biker type but not so rough (and with lovely long hair) his wife the Evil Barbie bitch skinny cow woman who is supposed to be the best mate of the Gulible Girl (Have you got it so far)
Bit of Rough decides married life is not much fun, so takes advantage of Gulible Girl who ends up with child, funny thing is a week after the baby is born, another girl completley unrelated to the story gives birth to another of the bit of rough biker type guy children. Bit of rough gets a pasting from this girls father heehee You would think Gulible Girl might have taken a warning from this but at only 17 and very Gulible she didn't.
Several years pass another child is born to Gulible Girl and Bit of rough who by now have married, (each other) when an old Biker type friend (with lovely long hair) turns up, with his wife the Evil Barbie bitch skinny cow woman, who becomes friends with Gulible Girl,
The four spend lots of time together, even going camping on holiday. Well when Gulible Girls boys were about 3 and 5 Bit of Rough started staying out all night and being moody, poor Gulible Girl confided all her woes to Evil Barbie bitch skinny cow woman, who she thought was her friend.
A little while later Biker type (with lovely long hair) came around to see Gulible Girl and informed her that he had just caught his wife the Evil Barbie bitch skinny cow woman, in bed with Bit of Rough and it had been going on for ages the whole time Gulible Girl was crying on her shoulder,
Well Gulible Girl got her own back cus shes married Biker type (with lovely long hair) they have 2 brilliant children, and Bit of Rough and Evil Barbie bitch skinny cow woman have since split up and have nothing
THE END
oh but theres sooo much more
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Post by Dead Man Walking on Sept 27, 2006 17:27:41 GMT 1
There is always sooooo much more, Ali.
Am I allowed to enter? No, probably not. Too close to home and related to the judge but just for the hell of it...
Lonely mother-in-law desperately wants grandchild to spoil (or more likely ruin) and will stop at nothing to get her way... No, perhaps not. Too boring now. Switch off the set. Pull the phone plug when going to bed and stop leaving the key to the house under the flower pot for her to let herself in to plant 'evidence' of extra marital misdemeanours. What a pity the vehicle concerned had the wrong registration number. Now who has egg on their face?
Think if I were her only son I would tell her I'd had a vasectomy... then DUCK! ;D
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Post by Old Dragon (Al) on Sept 27, 2006 21:53:10 GMT 1
There are funds for quite a few prizes in this challenge, so surely some others would like to have a go? I doubt it will run for much longer.
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Post by Old Dragon (Al) on Oct 1, 2006 17:20:19 GMT 1
How does that little verse go, Ann? ... The Mother's Lament
You were not raised your own to be, But born and trained to care for me. You did not listen, when a child, But grew a rebel streak and wild. Although I tried and tried and tried You to contol, chastise and chide The more I tried, the worse you grew And now, just take a look at you! Respect for me, you have not got, And I must suffer my sad lot...
...Whilst squatting on my pity-pot!'
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Post by petdesigns on Oct 1, 2006 18:13:23 GMT 1
Winner of a Soap Award for a Rescue.
Tried to call parents. Nobody at home. A couple of hours later - still nooone there. Starting to get worried. Living too far away to go and check them out (they're both way over 70!). Again trying to call early evening. Still no answer. Try sister as well, but she's out with the horses. Another call around 8pm - they should be sitting in their comfy chairs watching bland shows on TV now! Alas, still noone. Now starting to get on OH's nerves - WHERE ARE THEY?? 10pm, still noone, 11pm, nope, not at home. Of course several messages were left on the answerphone. Going to bed very worried. Sleeping badly. Long early morning walk with the hounds - still worried, but too early to call. Get back, dry the hounds off, start preparing breakfast. At last, the phone rings. Run to the phone, of course throwing mug of coffee over and making a huge mess. Dad with a hoarse voice. "Where have you been? Are you ok? How's mum? Where WERE you???" Stunned silence on the other end of the phone. "Oh, did we forget to tell you? We drove my sister to rehab, you know that place is 2 hours away. Had a lovely lunch there with my old mate, drove back straight to the opening of my friend's son's pub, had a couple of drinks there, left the car, went to Joe's birthday party and left there at 4am this morning. We're only up already as we're going to church, mum's singing with the choir, and then we're off to the birthday luncheon of Max. By the way, we won't be here next weekend, we're off to Italy with some friends for 5 days. Love you, byeeee"
Very depressed about own lack of social life.....
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Post by NIKKIB on Oct 1, 2006 21:53:56 GMT 1
Rupert, aged 3 had won some goldfish at the local garden fete and dad had to carry these home in a small plastic bag with water in. When they got home mum went into a cupboard and brought out the Waterford crystal salad bowl that her mother in law had given them as part of their wedding present, which mum hated. After a family discussion it was decided to make a pond for the goldfish and have a fence round it to stop Suzie the dog from paddling in it, she does love water. Dad went to the garden centre and came back with a molded plastic pond then started to dig, and dig, and dig, the plastic pond was bigger than he thought. Eventually the hole was big enough to fit the molded plastic pond into. Now to fill it. Bucket after bucket mum caried because they didn't have a hose pipe while dad put up a chicken wire fence to keep Suzie out. The water had to be in the pond for 3 days before the fish can go in, and during this time, neither Rupert or Suzie bother with the pond. On the 3rd day, dad arrived home and said it was time to put the fish in the pond and decided to make a ceremony of it. With Rupert banging on a tin with a piece of wood for the drums, mum with the tray of lemonade and biscuits for the toast, dad carried out the Waterford crystal salad bowl and slowly lowered it into the pond before letting the pond water enter the salad bowl releasing the fish. All this time Rupert is banging on his drum. Once the fish were in the pond, mum, dad and rupert clinked glasses saying, "To our lovely pond". Mum took the Waterford crystal salad bowl in and washed it hoping her mother in law would never find out what it had been used for. The following day mum was at the sink washing the dishes were she could see what Rupert and his girl friend from next door were up to. Suzie was also playing with her boyfriemd, the dog from round the corner. Mum looked up, no children and no dogs, she dashed outside to find that Rupert and his girlfriend were sitting on the side of the pond dangling their feet in it, and Suzie and her boyfriend were paddling looking for the fish. Mum grabbed both children and took them inside, put both dogs inside as well, went into the cupboard for the Waterford Crystal salad bowl again and went to rescue the fish. Once she had the fish safe, she carried them into the house then phoned dad to buy a fish tank on the way home. The fish lived happily in the house for the rest of their lives.
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Post by NIKKIB on Oct 1, 2006 21:54:39 GMT 1
It was a lovely sunny and warm June Sunday and mum, dad and their 3 sons decided to go to the park to sail the lovely boats that dad had made and mum had made the sails. With the eldest son walking and the other 2 in pushchairs, it was a 3 mile walk, a long way for the little legs of the 3 year old, off the set. Mum had also made a picnic to eat which caused quite a bit of excitement with the sons, they loved picnics. The park was full of families when they arrived so they sat down to rest and have a drink before dad got the boats out. Dad took the boys down to the lake, it was very shallow, about 6ins of water and had a gradual sloping side so that you could walk right to the water. Each boy got hold of their boat and gently put them onto the water to see if they floated. Lots of shrieking because the boards were sailing across the lake and the boys couldn't reach them. Dad took his shoes off and went in to bring the boats back. All 3 boys were standing on the side of the late, the youngest, then the middle boy then the eldest, all in line when the middle boy leaned forward. *S*P*L*A*S*H*, he had falling in face first. Dad tried to race back but the water slowed him down but luckily mum was at hand, as they always are, and grabbed the middle son and pulled him out, screaming his head off so not much wong with him. Mum went to get the bag of extra clothes that she normally carried because the middle son often falls into water but it isn't there, it had been left at home. Thankfully it was a hot sunny day, so they took the underpants off the eldest boy and put them on the middle boy just so that he could be decent, and off home they had to go. Thankfully middle son was in a push chair.
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Post by NIKKIB on Oct 1, 2006 23:10:28 GMT 1
It was a lovely sunny Sunday afternoon and the 3 boys took themselfs off to the common with the family dog, Meg. They had been told to be back in time for evening meal at 6pm
6pm came and went and still no boys, so dad got into his Capri and off he went to look for them expecting to meet them on the lane.
The Common is 1.5 miles away and dad didn't meet the boys and was really worried, because there is a stagnant pond there although the boys know they are to keep to the other side of the Common. The pond is also securely fenced off.
Dad got out of the car when he got to the Common and started to walk onto the Common shouting the boys. Eventually he heard them shouting back and Meg came bounding up to him.
The smell was terrible, dad had to hold his nose then round the bend the boys appeared running. Middle son looks like a raggamuffin, a very wet raggamuffin, he had climbed the fence to get Meg out of the fenced off area round the pond and fell in.
Dad bundled all of them, including Meg, into the car and went home.
Mum was anxiously waiting at home but wasn't expecting what she saw. Middle son and Meg were in the boot with the lid up and had travelled 1.5 miles like that because Dad refused to have 2 stinking animals in his car.
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Post by NIKKIB on Oct 1, 2006 23:21:24 GMT 1
Liz and John decided to decorate their bedroom, the picked some lovely wallpaper and John put the step ladders up with a plank going from one ladder to the other so he could walk on it to paint the ceiling.
With the plank of wood going across the bed, he started to paint the ceiling then Liz joined him. For what she joined him for I never found out.
Unfortunately John had used the wrong plank of wood and suddenly both Liz and John started to fall.
John, with his usual luck fell on the bed, poor Liz, ended up on the floor with the paint all over her.
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Post by Old Dragon (Al) on Oct 2, 2006 13:00:59 GMT 1
PMSL - That sounds like a very normal family, Nikki. A bit like this 'normal' tale from my early childhood. One weekend our family cat discovered a 4ft long snake down our garden and attacked it! Mum thought it was dead, put it in a tin bath and sent me to find my dad. She was panicking in case the snake had been poisonous and had bitten the cat. Off I went on my tri-cycle to where dad was visiting a friend about a mile away. Dad came rushing home with me. Dad pronounced the snake dead and put it in the cellar, as I wanted to take the body to school the following Monday. He then decided to look up the snake in his books. Although her was sure it was a grass snake, there were some markings on it that seemed unfamiliar. He read out a few details and off I went down the cellar to check those. Moments late... 'Dad! Dad! The snake's alive!' 'Don't worry,' he called back, 'they often twitch for a while after death.' 'No! No! It really is alive! It's coming up the cellar steps!' Dad caught the snake, trying to avoid the areas where the cat had bitten it, and put it somewhere secure while he decided what to do with it. He thought it best to see if it was okay by the following day and, if so, to take it somewhere suitable and release it. Apart from laying an egg during the night, the snake was very much alive by morning and none too happy. Dad put it in a large jar and tied a cloth over the top then, with me in the front seat of the car holding the jar and Mum and my brother in the bar, off we set. At the time we had one of those little black Austin cars such as you can see in 1940s films. Well, we'd only got a mile up the road before the snake started to escape by pushing its head against the cloth and loosening the knot holding that on. By the time dad had done an emergency stop and right on a bend in the road, the snake was out and through a hole in the dashboard. For the next hallf hour it played hide and seek with us amongst the wiring in the car. Finally it made it back into the main bosy of the car. It then dodged Dad by going from the back to the front as he went front to back! The rest of us were standing on the grass verge well aware that Dad was beginning to lose his temper! Someone then stopped, thinking we'd broken down, and offered to help. 'Thanks,' said Dad. 'You stand there, and when the snake comes out, grab it!' Needless to say, the chap thought Dad crazy and disappeared very quickly! Finally, Dad managed to grab the snake, secure it in the jar again - by jar I mean one of those huge sweet jars, as it was all of 4ft long! The snake was release back into the wild and ideal habitat for it. I took the egg to school then tried to incubate it in the airing cupboard on the QT. Nothing happened, of course, and it was probably not fertile anyway, and eventually Mum discovered it and threw it out. I don't think she approved of snake eggs in amongst her clean washing!
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Post by NIKKIB on Oct 2, 2006 21:56:11 GMT 1
It was a lovely sunny, summer day when I got down to the stables to go for a ride, and Michael was there getting his horse ready so we decided to go out together.
It was lovely riding along the lanes and bridleways until we came to a place were we could have a long gallop. This was a straight path so we could see well in front of us in case someone came on the path.
Michael, being male wanted to go in front so I let him. Off we set at a good gallop. It was good, in those days we didn't wear hats and the wind in out face and hair was wonderful.
Just ahead a tree appeared, it was in full leaf but we still had to duck to get under it.
Luckily I was a good way behind Michael because I didn't want the mud to be thrown up in my face, this does stop you seeing through your glasses at times.
To my surprise, the next thing I saw was Michael's horse running without him, when I look up the tree, Michael was hanging over a branch, he hadn't ducked low enough.
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Post by Dead Man Walking on Oct 5, 2006 0:44:14 GMT 1
Definite sit-com not soap, Nikki.
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raiye
Wildcat Team Member
Lovin Life
Posts: 303
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Post by raiye on Oct 11, 2006 22:48:34 GMT 1
Sunday shopping at DIY centres with the out inlaws is always a bore. While arguing between a shade of off white bathroom suites we suddenly realise that our youngest child is missing. 2 year old Jo has wandered off somewhere in the middle of this huge, busy shopping warehouse I head for the garden toys, swings ect, his usual hiding place. No joy. The pet centre. Nothing!! I decide to logically retrace our steps backwards, searching up and down the isles, scanning at top speed, begining now to panic. Suddenly we spot him. Hes stood at the end of one of the isles. All we can see is his round pink, peachy bottom cheeks as his trousers are round his ankles because he's weeing in one of the show toilets. "Im good boy mummy, I went potty!!"
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Post by Old Dragon (Al) on Oct 11, 2006 23:14:35 GMT 1
Bless, him. ;D ...And that reminds me of this... Many years ago when my late dad was still working as a surveyor, he was in a partly built block of flats waiting and while the builders were on their lunchbreak. There a bathroom suit was sitting in the middle of a room awiting installation. Lying around was also some putty. Dad and a colleague decided to play a practical joke on the builders. Watering down some dregs of black tea, they poured that into the lavatory pan, then, using some very grubby putty made some impressive looking creations to add to the effect, including a piece draped strategically over the edge of the bowl. They then retired to another room to await the return of the builders who were keeping them waiting. They didn't have too long to wait, and were getting down to business with the site foreman when one of other builders discovered what had been left. He came out of that room gagging and relieving himself of his lunch! Another of Dad's practical jokes involved floating little plastic bugs in colleague's teas or popping them onto their dinner plates if they ate out in cafes or otherwise into their lunch boxes. However, he was terrified of large black beetles. My brother and I used that to get our own back, but he then never saw the funny side.
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kayleigh
Nuisance Neddies Team Member
Posts: 236
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Post by kayleigh on Oct 11, 2006 23:16:56 GMT 1
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Post by Old Dragon (Al) on Oct 12, 2006 0:54:43 GMT 1
What some here may not realise, is that Ari's (AuntAggie's) sense of humour falls well in the direction of the deepest, dark side of satirical. I fear our latest tales fall more to the lightest side of comedy.
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Post by AuntAggie on Oct 16, 2006 17:11:42 GMT 1
I have awarded three 'Soap Prizes' so far and shown that in the posts that have won.
Lots of the other entries were comical tales, but not really the stuffed-in-the-head emotional conflict based drama that make up soap-opera storylines. (I find those so amusing and transparent.)
Feel free to have another go, because there aree still prizes available.
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Post by AliBullie on Oct 17, 2006 22:28:27 GMT 1
Thank You Ari I am sure the Bullies will love a bar of soap
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Post by Old Dragon (Al) on Oct 18, 2006 1:07:25 GMT 1
Don't tell her that, else they might get just that! pmsl
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