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Post by Old Dragon (Al) on Jan 15, 2008 21:34:56 GMT 1
... Time we had a few laughs...
Two men are out fishing at their favorite spot, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Very quietly, so as not to scare the fish, Jim says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over two months."
John continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "Perhaps best to think it over - women like that are hard to find."
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Post by julie on Mar 18, 2008 15:41:16 GMT 1
Mr. or Mrs. Computer Is your computer male or female?
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going totell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasonsfollow:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
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Post by muttlies6 on Mar 18, 2008 17:16:02 GMT 1
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Post by Old Dragon (Al) on Apr 21, 2008 13:46:56 GMT 1
A squirrel story
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END...but read on...
THE U.K. VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.
He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.
The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned Because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house.
He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for Grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.
The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END..... ***************
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Post by Ann K on Apr 21, 2008 15:10:22 GMT 1
Now I wonder why that rings a bell
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Post by AliBullie on Apr 21, 2008 19:47:11 GMT 1
A New Brain
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'
The doctor quickly responded, ' £ 5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain.'
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact w ith the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
'Why is the male brain so much more?'
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'
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Post by Ann K on Apr 21, 2008 20:25:34 GMT 1
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Post by Old Dragon (Al) on Dec 13, 2009 18:55:26 GMT 1
A grown up grandson is talking to his grandmother on the telephone and she is giving him directions to her new flat.
"When you arrive at the front door of my block of flats, look for the doorbell buttons. My button is 12R, just press it with your elbow. I'll buzz you in, you can lean with your back facing the door and it'll open. Come inside and walk over to the lift, hit the call button with your elbow. Get in, and with your elbow hit the one marked 12. Come down the corridor and with your elbow ring my doorbell."
"That's wonderful Grandma, but why do I have to use my elbow all the time?"
"WHAT? Surely you're coming empty handed?"
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